eBay’s Investigation Has Taken an Unexpected Turn: I Am Now Daniel, and I Sell Arsenal Shirts

When I last wrote about eBay’s discovery that I was apparently counterfeiting Spiritus Florum, I thought we had probably reached peak absurdity.

I own Spiritus Florum, the registered SPIRITUS FLORUM trademark, and I formulate and manufacture Rhapsody in Violet.

Nevertheless, eBay removed my 2 ml sample listing because of “authenticity concerns”, and subsequent correspondence repeatedly warned me of possible consequences from the mysterious “brand owner”.

The brand owner is still me. The trademark is registered in my name and at my address — the same billing address eBay has on file for me, attached to a card bearing my name and the Spiritus Florum business name. So naturally, it’s a mystery for the ages.

After three cut and paste template emails, today I received another response from eBay, which I’ve snipped to spare the blushes of the latest copy-paster, informing Daniel, after a thorough review, mind you, that he is not allowed to sell an “Adidas Arsenal third football shirt 2024/25 – Medium.”

I replied to the effect that I’m sure Daniel would be very interested to know this information about his football shirt. But I’m not Daniel, and I wasn’t listing footie kit.

Daniel, if you’re out there – are you selling my perfume? Cut it out, please. That’s not very nice. Also, how’d you get my formula?

I would like to make it clear that Spiritus Florum has no affiliation with Adidas or with football merchandise of any description. I’d be happy to be linked to archery. Archery is cool.

The removal was, I'm told, carried out "for educational purposes." Consider me educated. I now know Arsenal has a third kit. I did not know that on Monday. Nevertheless, eBay has taken the time to teach me, and I'm grateful. Maybe football kits are like perfume flankers. Is the first kit the EdP, the second one the Extrait, and the third one the Intense?

I have now requested, again, that eBay treat this as a formal complaint and escalate it to somebody who can establish which product, seller and possibly sport we are actually discussing. If I am going to be affiliated with a sport, I’d like it to be tobogganing. I just like that word. Tobogganing.

The eBay UK complaints address has now been copied into the correspondence, as has the press office.

Hello, press office.

At this point, Spiritus Florum has apparently been:

• 1.accused of counterfeiting Spiritus Florum;
• 2.warned that Spiritus Florum may take legal action against Spiritus Florum;
• 3.asked not to sell Spiritus Florum products;
• 4.transformed overnight into Daniel;
• 5.and placed under investigation for an Adidas Arsenal third shirt in medium.

The shirt, incidentally, sounds lovely.

I hope Daniel gets to keep it.

I’ll update this article when eBay establishes whether I am:

• a)Clare Jones, perfumer and owner of Spiritus Florum;
• b)Daniel, suspected football-shirt merchant;
• c)the counterfeiter of myself; or
• d)all of the above.

At this point I genuinely wouldn’t rule out e).

Preferably from somebody who has read the email.